I barely want to write this, but I had a really difficult day yesterday, largely self-inflicted. I may be very good at appearing to be strong, independent, with my shit together (okay, perhaps not that last one), but some days I am actually a shaking, crying ball of self-doubt and loneliness. I have abandonment issues that prevent my getting close to people, because so many people have already left me (sometimes heartbroken), for exciting jobs elsewhere, for partners, for school. I try not to complain about this because it really makes me sound (and feel) like a spoiled, immature turd, but that’s how things are.
Yesterday, all my neuroses reached a boiling point, so along with countless other people who had a whisk(e)y or three on St. Patrick’s Day, I ended up that crying ball of self-doubt for a while. Then I came home and had cold refried beans, a brownie, and red wine for dinner, because when I go crazy, I go cliché-y.
I settled down a fair bit, talked to some friends online about how, basically, everyone’s confused, bewildered, unhappy, and sometimes lonely. Which both helped and made me more depressed.
I get left out of the equation in many situations nowadays, but just because I come across as self-sufficient doesn’t mean I don’t need anyone (I forget this all the time). But, at the same time, I have all these walls put up because I don’t want to be left again. I don’t have an outlet for revealing my innermost hopes and dreams and worries, but thinking back, I can’t remember when I did. Turns out when I was lecturing friends about not bottling things up, I was doing the very same thing (albeit with occasional crying jags – I am not very good at leaving scabs unpicked either).
I have a lot to think about, but I don’t even know where to begin. But if y’all could please assure me that yes, there is someone clever and kind and funny who might be interested in someone who hasn’t learned to be human yet, please do. I’m going to work on being a functioning, adult member of society for a while so that I’m ready for them when they do turn up.
In semi-related news, I got some crazy nice praise from someone who reads other people’s (often hideous) writing for a living. (Hi Jennifer!) Swings and roundabouts, eh? It was super nice to read, but now I might develop an ego and think I could write a book or something. Anyone have an idea on a theme? Besides ‘how to be the best neurotic spinster’? Because maybe I need a big project to work on, even if the result is unpublishable.