So, hey guys, y’know that guy from Sherlock? Benedict Cumberbatch? He’s awfully dreamy. I could listen to him read the phone book and be totally thrilled for totally reals. I’ve been reading a bit about him lately, from reputable internet sources of all kinds, and I’m super sure that I’m the woman for him. And apparently, he’s on the market!
1. We know people who know people who know each other, kinda.
A friend of mine worked on a tv show that J.J. Abrams helped create! And Mr. Cumberbatch is totally in the new Star Trek movie that that dude is directing! They can totally hook us up! (Additionally, the actress who plays Watson’s therapist went to high school with my brother! IT’S CRAZY HOW CLOSELY LINKED WE ARE.)
2. He wants to settle down.
He says he’s been broody for, like, five years. I mean, it was in a really reputable paper, so it must be true, right? He wants kids! Hey, me too!
3. He travels a lot for work.
I think he’s in L.A. or New Zealand right now. I like travelling. And when I don’t want to travel, I don’t mind being myself. I’m by myself. A lot. A Skype relationship is fine. Sometimes. As long as I don’t have to turn the camera on. He can, though.
4. He does an Alan Rickman impression.
And that’s totally a good basis for a relationship, right?
5. He holds on to things for ages.
So do I! He mentioned it on the DVD commentary for ‘The Great Game’ that he still had a school shirt when he was 26! I still have a volleyball shirt from my junior high school and I’m 34! IT’S DESTINY. (No, I don’t wear it or anything. Shuddup.)
6. He is almost superstar famous with a group of fans called the ‘Cumberbitches’, but is still quite jovial and funny about it.
I would keep him grounded. I do not suffer fools and arrogant bastards gladly. Also, the ideal of Cumberbitches should offend the shit out of me, but I just find it really funny and sad. Unlike this list, of course.
7. His name is not *that* ridiculously posh.
Never mind, it totally is.
8. He is tired of playing ‘posh’ characters because, y’know, he went to Harrow and sounds it.
Darling, after one Euchre night in Lowertown, we could easily have you talking like the best Eastern Ontario trash. By ‘we’, I mostly mean Kirk. I’m sure there’s totally a call for people who can play roles like that. Especially in Hollywood and London.
9. He hosted ‘Have I Got News For You’ and had really good fun.
I have no real aspirations showbiz-wise, but really, I’d want to be just famous enough for…something, anything, so that I could host this show. I literally dream about it a few times a month. They let cinema managers from Canada do it all the time, right?
10. HE’S SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES.
And I’m a nerd. We’re MADE for each other.