ZOMG, I didn’t write this morning. I was too busy hitting the dollar store for last minute gift wrap (a spinster doesn’t have baby-appropriate colours of tissue paper!) and prizes for a trivia game I was commissioned to write. (Hello Kitty Pez Dispensers.)

I survived. A baby threw up and someone commented that that was why ‘Megan doesn’t have babies’ because I flinched. (The baby was puking in my general direction! Who wouldn’t?!) Uh, no, I don’t have babies because I don’t have a husband (or equivalent), nor a strong enough support network, or the financial stability, to raise one alone, actually. But thanks for painting me as a babyhater. I’m not. I’m just a bit, y’know, scared of them sometimes. And yes, that includes times when they are oozing. I’m sure I wouldn’t mind (as much) if it was my own kid.

Also, the cats only wanted to sit on me. They know the crazy cat lady when they see her.

As part of my presents, I silkscreened some onesies, heat set them, and then, somehow, got paint on the back of one of them, which wasn’t noticed until they were unwrapped. Sometimes Bridget Jonesian things do come true. I am A1 class.

A bit punk rock, I hope. All little girls need a bit of that, right?

Unless, perhaps, if they want to find husband material. Argh.

Maybe it is finally time to get into the wine. Did you know there isn’t much booze at baby showers? I didn’t. Another thing I don’t know about motherhood.

Seriously, though, my own selfish, self-pitying issues aside, it was pretty fun, a lot of very nice gifts were had, several horror stories were shared, but they didn’t faze me that much. The mum-to-be was pretty darned happy with the festivities and that is the actual important part of the equation, not my bullshit Carrie Bradshawing.
—

Here is the quiz I wrote. I’m not sure it’s what was expected, but you can’t commission someone like me for a trivia game and not expect it to be, well, a bit like this. In case you don’t feel like Googling, I will post the answers tomorrow:

Round 1: Multiple choice
1. Approximately how many more bones does a baby have that an adult does not?
a) 34 b) 54 c) 74 d) 94

2. A normal pregnancy is about 280 days. How long was the longest recorded in a human?
a) 300 days b) 325 days c) 375 days d) 400 days.

3. A Mrs Vassilyeva of Russia, who lived in the 18th century, is purported to have given birth to the most children of any woman in history. How many kids did she have (not at once, though there were many multiple births).
a) 29 b) 49 c) 69 d) 89

4. According to the Guinness Book of Records, Moulay Ismail, the last Sharifian Emperor of Morocco, had the greatest number of children of any man in history. Keeping in mind that he had wives, mistresses, and slaves galore, how many children did he supposedly have?
a) 128 children b) 358 children c) 678 children d) 888 children

5. What is the greatest interval between births of children born to a single mother?
a) 21 years b) 31 years c) 41 years d) 51 years

Round 2: Baby trends
1. What was the traditional colour for baby boys in much of Western Europe and North America until the late 19th century?

2. What reached the Top 5 names for girls only 15 years after the movie Splash was released?

3. Which mother of nine influential children famously said ‘I don’t dislike babies, though I think very young ones rather disgusting’?

4. A multiple choice in a non-multiple choice round? For shame! But in what shameful place did Eleanor Roosevelt keep her baby, in keeping with a trend at the time?
a) a dresser drawer b) in a firewood box next to the woodstove c) in a cage hangout outside a window d) in a laundry basket at the end of her bed

5. Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, all of whom have names starting with J, including Jill, Jessa, Joshua, and Jason, as well as the more ridiculous Joy-Anna and Jedidiah. But which of these is not actual a real Duggar child’s name? Jinger, Jessamyn, Joy-Anna, Jordyn-Grace

Round 3: Celebrity baby name true or false.

1. Noel Gallagher and ex-wife Meg Matthews named their daughter Anaïs after erotic French-Cuban author Anaïs Nin.

2. Frank Zappa named his youngest daughter Diva because she screamed the loudest of all the babies on the maternity ward.

3. Nicolas Cage and wife Alice named their son Kal-El after Superman’s original Kryptonian name.

4. Jermaine Jackson has a son named Jermajesty

5. Madonna named her daughter Lola after the song by Barry Manilow.

6. Bono and wife Alison have a daughter named Nashville.

7. Penn of Penn and Teller fame has a daughter named Moxie Crimefighter.

8. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have a kid called Kyd.

9. Rob Morrow and his wife cruelly named their daugther Tu.

10. Reese Witherspoon’s new baby is named after her home state of Alabama.

Final question (if you get it exactly right, you’ll get three bonus points as well)

Approximately what percentage of babies are born on their exact due date?