I’ve not been running since my back woes began last week, but as the half-marathon is, oh, three and a half months away, I had better get moving, eh?
Because I’m in (far) less good shape than I was even three months ago, though, that feeling of ‘I’m not good enough to do this’ has been creeping in more and more. Especially in my neighbourhood, where every third person seems to be a svelte, almost elite-level runner in fashionable, flattering garb to plodding ol’Not-Quite-Over-Her-Weight-Issues-And-Wearing-Giant-Jogging-Pants me. (‘Maybe I’ll wait until after the elementary school’s in session, so kids won’t watch me’.) I have bigtime abandonment issues, so maybe my subconscience is not ready to abandon my inferiority complex just yet.
(Have I mentioned that I’ve never taken a psych class?)
On a more practical level, it is fucking cold. I have the gear to run in the cold, as unfashionable as it is. (Seriously, THESE ARE GIANT TRACK PANTS. When paired with a fitted running jacket, my proportions are pretty hilarious. And not in a kinda hot Elastigirl way. I usually don’t care much, except when I do because I’m still deprogramming 34 years of media manipulation.)
But, when it’s -16C, regardless of fashionability and clothing, it’s still hard for me to convince myself that running in cold will a) not kill me and b) probably be pleasurable. Probably.
I do this on a rainy day too. Sit around, pondering another coffee, ridiculously trying to convince myself that it’ll suddenly be sunny and bright and not frostbitey if I take more time to sit and stare at the wall. (And, even on a fine day, there’s a delay while I wonder if I should wait a bit longer to make sure I don’t have to pee before I head out.)
Will this ever change? Do I secretly hate running? Am I just that fucking lazy? Why do I do this to myself and then force others to read my whiny navel-gazey bullshit like this?
Yeah, I don’t know. I should apply the same discipline I use to get this blog generated to train. If only there was a way to cuddle with a cat and wear slippers while running too.
As some of you might know, I like an audiobook. Anyone heard anything lately that they’d recommend? Preferably somewhat upbeat and clever that’ll keep me from flagging on my runs. (TIA luv ya!)