Despite my obnoxious know-it-all-ism, I tend towards shyness. A friend of a friend recently asked him if I didn’t like her, because I wouldn’t look them in the eye. No, it’s not that, I just have trouble looking anyone in the eye, really. Both of my brothers are the same way (both with the know-it-all-ism and weird eye contact thing). Fear of conflict? (Totally self-diagnosed) Aspergery tendencies? Snootiness? No idea. I am just really intimidated by looking into people’s eyes if I don’t know them really well. Almost in a ‘oh no, what if they can read my mind?!’ kind of way, but on a really mundane ‘oh no, what if they realise how truly not clever/interesting?’ level.
This is probably why I’m back to blogging a bit. I can use my (few) readers for therapy (a bit). But you’ve also probably noticed that I don’t really get into personal problems on a profound level; this is because I am a very private person, generally, but with (sometimes) an awful lot to say. I want to share, but I kind of feel like 90% of what is in my brain should stay there for ever. I do a lot of self-analysing and I think I can figure out the root of a lot of my issues (abandonment, commitment, etc.) on my own. Which might not be completely correct, but for now, it works for me. (I also have a rule that I won’t post anything that I don’t want future employers to read, so don’t expect this to change, should you continue reading post-Holidailies.)
I’m not really looking at committing myself to resolutions this year, because frankly, I think people should try to improve themselves every day, not just for a few weeks in January. But, hypocritically persons, I am going to start working on better connecting and opening up to people a bit better. Not in a oversharing way crazy-girl-in-the-bar-telling-you-about-her-herpes outbreak way, obviously, but with less snarking and more actual discussion. Wish me luck.