#100BM Day 39
Reached a breaking point of sorts yesterday. Not an actual breakdown, really, just a realisation about how messed up I am. I’m oddly calm about it, even though I know that I need to do a lot of hard work (mental and physical) to deal with a lot of it. Just a ‘Fuck, I am really messed up. Let’s start buying going through these piles of paperwork I’ve been ignoring for months/years, burning the irrelevant and outdated, and keeping the rest for further reorganization. Knowing where things are will make me less stressed out. Maybe then my brain will work better.’ kind of way. As you do.
(In tidying my room yesterday, I found $11.46 in change, btw, and three socks I had thought missing forever. Not in the paper piles, just under things (like between my bed and the wall and under laundry).)
I’m not (just) lazy, I am anxious. I knew I was anxious, but thought I was coping. I was not coping, at least not as well as I thought I was. At the risk of sounding all woo-woo, I started meditating recently and, in addition to doing Duolingo exercises every morning, and trying to blog every day, and listening to certain podcasts on certain days of the week over the last few months that routine IS good. It’s not boring. Winging it is far more exhausting than I cared to admit. For all the writing down of things to do that I do, I was still missing huge chunks of my life. Instead of dealing with it, I would not do much of anything at all.
I mean, there is HUGE value in not doing anything sometimes. But I was doing too much nothing. Not enough adulting, not enough living, not enough human life admin. Hence, chaos, anxiety, scatterbrained stumbling through life, etc.
A big part of this is probably because I’ve not been good at self-policing (I rarely get things done unless there’s a deadline someone else has set), and without a significant other reining me in (not their job, but it sorta makes sense in my mind right now), or parents to remind about so-and-so’s birthday*, or children for whom to set an example, I’m not excelling. But I can try harder. (Yeah, yeah, do or do not, etc. Shush.)
Sure, ultimately, our key responsibility is to ourselves, but maybe my self-value is a bit less assured than I had believed, so I couldn’t be arsed.
So yeah, woo-woo.
That said, I’m not willing to be SO adult that I am not spending at least part of a potential tax refund on a poop emoji dress. Because I will. If I can also afford a new dryer too.
* My aunt DID email me yesterday to remind me about getting a mammogram, though, which was sweet of her.
Since I’ve been on my own, I’ve noticed a lot of your listed tendencies in myself. I can somehow totally forget that things like credit card and hydro bills exist, I kill plants dead, and holy fuck am I a slob. The weird thing is, it’s not like Chris ever reminded me about paying bills, nor did he nag me to clean, ever. I am just a more conscientious person when there’s someone else around to whom I’m “accountable”, at least in my own mind. I am a truly terrible adult. Time passes before I know it and WHAT THE WHAT I JUST PAID THAT THING LAST WEE–oh, I actually paid it two months ago. Okay. Time to water the dead plant.
Yep yep. So much yep.
My seedlings are doing pretty well this year compared to others, but that’s largely because I have them in the middle bedroom instead of the third floor, so I walk by more often, and hence check in at least twice a day.